not you

when i grow up
i want to be anything but you.

documentation

so today, michael jackson died
and i did what i planned to.
i don't know where anything is going anymore
and i don't know what i want.
or maybe i do,
i'm just afraid to face it.

it was a weird day.

purple mood

some days, a very large part of me wishes to just curl into you
like a heavy, purple sigh
a hybrid of you and i
still and silent at sunset
(it's not like i haven't imagined it)
to be pretty and little and feminine and protected
surrounded and covered by every inch of breathing, living you
to fulfill what she wanted two years ago
the fantasy; the boy
before she decided she could be something more

but part of me will always be too strong for you
and though i never thought i'd say it
part of me will always be too free for you to tie down
and that's not enough for me
my willingness to be the man only goes so far.

so come, rope me in, my not-so-stranger
take control, make me play the game for once
teach me not to care
teach me not to worry about anything but us
bind me in a place where all i want is to be yours

though i don't deserve anything from you
i want to give you me
i want this to work
i want to win this time.

taking on a year

you the viewer see
me in the mirror; i see
ancient love for him

but we both look(ed) upon
idle, ideal reflection
with pain in our eyes

i stand a year past
but you want me in this time
ghosts make me wish yes

but me makes me know no.

re-writes

once upon and evening show
i fell for you; you're beautiful you know
i bet he thinks so too.
well i thought i'd be okay
but this shield wears thinner every day
and now you're gone

well i never meant to want you this way

stood in these wings
1000 times
dizzy for you
you were never mine
but i wanted you some how
i just wanted this somehow

do you see how you're adored by everyone
who comes into your life
it's a gift
5'10 and picturesque
not to mention, your performance is the best
who could expect me to resist?

well no one ever asked him to hold back

i've been right here
1000 times
suppressed for you
you were never mine
but i wanted you somehow
i just wanted this somehow

make the effort

love ME the most!

i don't know what else to give to you.

sixteen

are you depressed?

no, i think i'm just 16.

don't go

i don't know what's scarier
knowing i'm losing you and hating it with all my guts
or
knowing i'm losing you
and not even really caring
anymore.

i don't know how to get you back

grow meet love hurt cry leave wander think want realize lose.

the older i get, the more people i meet (speak to, bond with, love)
the more people i love, the more i can hurt (hate, mope, cry)
the more i cry, the more i have to leave (move, run, wander)
the more i wander, the more i think (hope, contemplate, want)
the more i want, the more i realize
that nothing ever turns out the way you want it
sometimes it's better (making best friends)
sometimes it's just different (being gay)
but mostly it's worse.
or non-existant.

the older i get, the more i want
and the more i find
i am losing.

so bitter

i know it's old news, but...

i hate being alone.

1000 Times

once upon and evening show
i watched you move; you're beautiful
you know
i thought i was OK,
but now i see
i'm sicker every day
and now you're gone

well, i remember loving her this way

i've been right here
1000 times
waiting for you
you were never mine
i just wanted you somehow
i just wanted this somehow
of course, it's dumb.

do you see how you're adored
by everyone
who comes into your life?
5'10 and picturesque
not to mention, your performance is the best
who could expect me to resist?

i couldn't before, and i'm not doing too well now

i've been right here
1000 times
waiting for you
you were never mine
i just wanted you somehow
i just wanted this somehow
of course, it's dumb.

will you remember me?
when you lie breathless in his arms?
will you remember me?
when you're successful
and happy
and perfect where you are?
can you remember
to save a last goodbye
for me
i will remember
i will remember all of you.