dark, secret thoughts

this morning i woke up with these words in my head:
YOU CAN BACK OUT NOW. YOU CAN BACK OUT WHENEVER YOU WANT TO. YOU CAN BACK OUT WHENEVER IT GETS TOO HARD.
and that scared me.

and today i saw girls.
girls with converse and long pretty hair
girls with smiles and freckles and soft skin
and i knew i could find another girl.
another girl who didn't know who she was
and who needed me to tell her
another girl who needed me to define her

but these lips will betray me
because they're still yours
and these breasts will betray me
because they're still yours
and this heart will betray me

because it wants to stay yours.

i'm sorry, but forever is a lie

I KNOW THAT THIS ISN'T GOING TO LAST FOREVER.

whew
what a relief to finally let that out.
now i can enjoy it for as long as it sticks around.

guilty.

you know the only reason i still talk to her
is so i can take advantage of her
when my world with you comes crashing down
and i still need to pretend i have something.

you

i want only this
i want only this

what's too fast in this life
the tears you see tonight are just confusion
are just fear
are just all this hitting me at once
combined with everything i DO feel for you
no matter what anyone else might say

i want to matter more

reading that causes me a lot more pain then i'd ever confess to you
and now i'm questioning myself all over again

more fear

why are you afraid?
is it because of her?
is it because of them?
is it because you've never done this before?
take comfort in the fact that millions of girls all over the world have done this before.

why are you afraid?
is it because of him leaving?
is it because of what it's done to you?
is it because you're scared i'll do the same?
take comfort in the fact that i will always be a phone call away.

why are you afraid?
is it because it's moving too fast?
is it because you're confused?
is it because your feelings are too big for you?
take comfort in the fact that my feelings are too big for me, too.

please don't be afraid.
it scares me.

a fear

so absolutely and utterly
terrified
of being loved
of being loved by you

i'm nothing important
except in your eyes
but if it was the end of the world
i'd still catch you as we fell
inexplicably towards the end of the universe

if you put your expectations high upon a mountain
i'll run
i'll jump
i'll climb
and try my best to take flight
for now
at least.

who knows if i'll ever make it that far.

so fucking lucky

so much need that the actual reasoning
is swallowed up
in the warm moist space
between our tongues.

deepest sinful secret

you make worlds love me
because you're crazy for me
you make me love you

doubts die ten deaths
at your touch; i die once
and again, again

each minute i wait
for your next perfect minute
face, hair, eyes, kiss, me
now.

i'll be terrible at keeping your secret.

wet and dry

you said it was about time to throw in the towel
(with your eyes)
but i wanted to tell you that i was still wet
that i still needed that fucking towel

and before i could turn around you were back in your life
straight
squeezed back into the mess of school, friends, love
straight
dissolver of fantasies
but not straight

oh do you know i wish
to be back inside that afternoon
with my head against your chest
with my hands against your breasts
with my fingers against your jeans
with my lips against your lips?

fairness is getting all the way there
all the poking around we did was not fair

don't leave me out to air dry.

chronicles

she has a talent for self-chiropracting
and painting flowery words
she can't snap or play sports
or go anywhere without a strand of self-doubt
she loves big and falls hard
or at least
she used to
and still wishes she did
now she lets go simply with a twist of her mind

she writes songs that no one hears
or understands
some days she feels beautiful
other days she fears no one will ever pursue her

she loves her friends like family
and some days fantasizes about running away from everything
her bond with her parents is twisted
and she fears for the long-term problems they have already created

she hates her cellphone and usually
forgets to shave her legs
she has an exaggerated appetite for girls
and more of an appetite for boys than she cares to admit
she loves cities and theatre and people
and life
there are million things she wants to be
and a million more she isn't sure about

she loves her siblings
and her dog
she's almost sixteen and a half but somedays
she is five again
and some days she is thirty

someday she hopes that someone will take the time to learn
and re-write
everything about her

five year escalation

today i wish for the familiarity that i have been so close to owning before

the place just over the hurdle of insecurity
the place of lying in silence
the place of being able to press my lips to yours on a complete
fearless whim
the place of having you surprise me with displays of
your love
the place of possession, of being possessed
of commitment, of being committed
security, tranquility, burning desire

don't snatch it away once more...

i was in love with you. and them.

i miss the kids we used to be
the she and he
all broken, awkward hearts and messy confidence
sharing what we thought then was life
what we thought was important

now i have aged a thousand years
and sealed myself from the outside
i will search these shallow waters for mild amusement
but never again can i be caught that deep
for people learn how to evade hurt
this i know, for i have become a master of escape
but i have lost the thrill of being trapped

i don't pick and choose anymore
and when i lose, i move on

and the summer goes quick as it does
and it is gone long before we are able to properly bookmark it in our memories
or kiss it goodbye like a worn-in friend

along comes change to spoil the now
with fear and love and regret it brings
the future like a tidal wave
because every second following this
word
is my future

you can't measure change from where you are, you know
but you can watch the world re-mold around you
watch it turn and spin and morph
into your life

and that is sad
and that is beautiful
and that is lovely
and that is hateful
and that is passionate
and creative
and fearless
and messy
and vivid

and that is the way things are.

hello future
i am ready now.

north

it's sort of like
being a small child afraid of the dark
and anticipating bed time.
you know you are being ridiculous.
you know you shouldn't be afraid.
but you have scars.

and i am a baby again when i am there.
dependent
tiny
trapped
and so far away from everyone

so at the mercy of my emotions
at the mercy of
their emotions
so far away from anyone
to cry to
no where to run
few places to hide
this is psychological distress
and i am sending a distress signal
and i haven't even left yet



help.

no outsides

the baby cries
you feed her lies
showing her doors that have
no outsides

she's lived this way
you know, she's always lived this way
does that make it right?

you make her so angry
she's tried to just leave you alone
she'll never escape this
i wish you would just let her go
she wants to go

you hush the child now
mother is never, ever wrong
must throw back her head now
must sing along

she fears the guilt now
that's part of your plan
"everything i do for you
you don't understand"

you make her so angry
she's tried to just leave you alone
she'll never escape you
i wish you would just let her go
she wants to go

there's never a phone call
she doesn't visit anymore
i think that she hates you
...
i think that she's crying on the floor

you make me so angry
i've tried to just leave you alone
i'll never escape this
i wish you would just let me go
let me go

could someone come save me?
i'm sick of feeling alone
there's no way to escape this
i wish you would just let me go
let me go
let me go
i want to go
i want to go

the baby she cries
and you feed her lies
showing her doors that have
no outsides

the rain behind our backs

to kennedy, jocelyn, heather, paul, miranda, kayla, oliver, kenzie, particularly audrey and even wyatt:

i love you. i really do.

thanks for making my year.

end.

i'm done with singing your song
there'll be no more singing along
i ripped it into little pieces
then put it away as a warning
to myself; don't lie to her
anymore
it's wrong.

i guess it's all come clear
i should've listened to my fears
i just didn't want to be right
my doubts, they saw right through
my own facade
right here

everything feels wrong now
i should've just taken a bow
and gotten the fuck out
what a performance
what a betrayal

am i broken
that's not fair
i just want to be whole.

light years away

it's almost like you had it planned
it's like you smiled and shook my hand and said
"hey, i'm about to screw you over big time."
and what was i supposed to do?
i was caught in between you and
a hard place
we won't talk about the hard place.

but i don't blame you anymore
that's too much pain to store
it left me halfdead
inside my head
and boy, looking back i see
i'm not the girl i used to be
when i lost my mind
it saved my life

it's how you wanted it to be
it's like you played a joke on me and i lost a friend
in the end
and i think that i cried for days
but now that seems light years away
and i'm never going back
to who i was

cause i don't blame you anymore
that's too much pain to store
it left me half-dead
inside my head
and boy, looking back i see
i'm not the girl i used to be
when i lost my mind
it saved my life

i think i cried for days
but now that seems light years away
and i'm never going back
to who i was

cause i don't blame you anymore
that's too much pain to store
it left me half-dead
inside my head
and boy, looking back i see
i'm not the girl i used to be
when i lost my mind
it saved my life

that life
seems light
light year away
light years away

that life
seems light
light years away
light years away...

worries and a half

"what if you're gay?"
"what if it's only because he's your only option?"
"what if it's just because you want someone?"
"what if people say stupid things?"
"what if he gets bored of you?"
"what if your parents are idiots?"
"what if you aren't as fully invested as you should be?"
"why can't you figure things out? it's not a good sign"
"what if you find someone else?"

shut up. shut up. shut up.

so used to being wrong, i have to find a million reasons not to be right.

take a deep breath, and just laugh.

epiphany

peel off my outside
and then kiss me soft and slow
never let me go

thrown into my mind
never knew i was this sappy
slowly letting go

they think it's a bad idea
part of me wants to wait still
keep you from hurting

all this time now passed
i couldn't want you fully
i wasn't quite ready

secretly scared that
if i want you, you'll just stop
i'll be hurt again

is there no chase in
relationships? i don't know
other ways to keep you

broke all my rules now
i don't trust me; but all signs
in here point to yes

what i want

if i never wake up wanting anyone again
if this goes on and on and we just stop asking when
if the nights i spend wanting out number the nights i sleep
maybe we should just do this

cause if i am honest with me
some days, you almost trick me
and i can't remember what's holding me back

i'm not going to do what's right anymore
and i'm not going to dwell on this thought
i'm not going to make these decisions
i'm just going to do what i want

if in a couple of months, you still want to be my baby
if by that point, i still haven't driven you crazy
if you still can't imagine life without me in your head
maybe we should fall

cause if i am honest now
i still can't fathom how
anyone could love me the way you do

i'm not going to do what's right anymore
and i'm not going to dwell on this thought
i'm not going to make these decisions
i'm just going to do what i want

if this mess can continue on forever
well, i don't have a problem with that...

i'm not going to do what's right anymore
and i'm not going to dwell on this thought
i'm not going to make these decisions
i'm just going to do what i want

not you

when i grow up
i want to be anything but you.

documentation

so today, michael jackson died
and i did what i planned to.
i don't know where anything is going anymore
and i don't know what i want.
or maybe i do,
i'm just afraid to face it.

it was a weird day.

purple mood

some days, a very large part of me wishes to just curl into you
like a heavy, purple sigh
a hybrid of you and i
still and silent at sunset
(it's not like i haven't imagined it)
to be pretty and little and feminine and protected
surrounded and covered by every inch of breathing, living you
to fulfill what she wanted two years ago
the fantasy; the boy
before she decided she could be something more

but part of me will always be too strong for you
and though i never thought i'd say it
part of me will always be too free for you to tie down
and that's not enough for me
my willingness to be the man only goes so far.

so come, rope me in, my not-so-stranger
take control, make me play the game for once
teach me not to care
teach me not to worry about anything but us
bind me in a place where all i want is to be yours

though i don't deserve anything from you
i want to give you me
i want this to work
i want to win this time.

taking on a year

you the viewer see
me in the mirror; i see
ancient love for him

but we both look(ed) upon
idle, ideal reflection
with pain in our eyes

i stand a year past
but you want me in this time
ghosts make me wish yes

but me makes me know no.

re-writes

once upon and evening show
i fell for you; you're beautiful you know
i bet he thinks so too.
well i thought i'd be okay
but this shield wears thinner every day
and now you're gone

well i never meant to want you this way

stood in these wings
1000 times
dizzy for you
you were never mine
but i wanted you some how
i just wanted this somehow

do you see how you're adored by everyone
who comes into your life
it's a gift
5'10 and picturesque
not to mention, your performance is the best
who could expect me to resist?

well no one ever asked him to hold back

i've been right here
1000 times
suppressed for you
you were never mine
but i wanted you somehow
i just wanted this somehow

make the effort

love ME the most!

i don't know what else to give to you.

sixteen

are you depressed?

no, i think i'm just 16.

don't go

i don't know what's scarier
knowing i'm losing you and hating it with all my guts
or
knowing i'm losing you
and not even really caring
anymore.

i don't know how to get you back

grow meet love hurt cry leave wander think want realize lose.

the older i get, the more people i meet (speak to, bond with, love)
the more people i love, the more i can hurt (hate, mope, cry)
the more i cry, the more i have to leave (move, run, wander)
the more i wander, the more i think (hope, contemplate, want)
the more i want, the more i realize
that nothing ever turns out the way you want it
sometimes it's better (making best friends)
sometimes it's just different (being gay)
but mostly it's worse.
or non-existant.

the older i get, the more i want
and the more i find
i am losing.

so bitter

i know it's old news, but...

i hate being alone.

1000 Times

once upon and evening show
i watched you move; you're beautiful
you know
i thought i was OK,
but now i see
i'm sicker every day
and now you're gone

well, i remember loving her this way

i've been right here
1000 times
waiting for you
you were never mine
i just wanted you somehow
i just wanted this somehow
of course, it's dumb.

do you see how you're adored
by everyone
who comes into your life?
5'10 and picturesque
not to mention, your performance is the best
who could expect me to resist?

i couldn't before, and i'm not doing too well now

i've been right here
1000 times
waiting for you
you were never mine
i just wanted you somehow
i just wanted this somehow
of course, it's dumb.

will you remember me?
when you lie breathless in his arms?
will you remember me?
when you're successful
and happy
and perfect where you are?
can you remember
to save a last goodbye
for me
i will remember
i will remember all of you.

crumbles

the bed is stripped down, the wind saunters in
and it's a new end.
and an old beginning.
and i fall
because i did fall
again


i'm not too late for the show
i went to buy my ticket
but it was too late
sold out.
the seats were filled with adorers
and he took front row centre, you know.


people walk in and out of each other live
or sometimes run
or, you know, even tip-toe
bringing gifts and lessons
unexpectedly
what did we take away from each other?
maybe you fixed me
maybe i'm working properly now
or maybe i'm just looking for another way out
again...


of all the people who walk in and out of your life
do you know how many will love you?
for your wit, your talent, your sense of humour
and your beauty?


i didn't get a seat in the theatre.
and there was a reason for it.
that's what i believe.
that's what i will hold on to
in dark days to come.
there's a reason you chose him
and boy, is he lucky.


you remind me so much of another
bronzed, funny, loving actress
one who i loved
last year.
and she left too.

and i don't miss her anymore.

show week

you know why your 'no' sends me into shocks of panic?
because it takes me back a year ago
and sends me into sadness i never wanted to face with you again

even if it's not the same
it still feels like it

fantasy

fear is in her wild dark eyes
but excitement too
my hands folded on her jeans

'shhh' i say with a shiver
skin like cream and ice
tastes of pure impurities

loosen now and free of folds
virgin surprise meets
anxious tongue and frightened girl

intense, quick at first i move
shudders and first fright
'oh' she says, liquid music

reach up and hook arms round her
her legs, the buttons
and my arms the buttonholes

pressing my face into fabric
slowing to a tease
and then speeding to a height

comes gently over the mountain
but loudly; she moans
i smile inside her with pride

and now her breathing will slow
my hands will release
insides warm with her pleasure

kiss her other lips slowly
cheekily; she's dead
and i have killed her first

smile, murderer.

such
a
lost
soul.

my foot fucking kills

okay so maybe this is how it is
maybe i'm mostly sexually attracted to girls
and mostly emotionally attracted to guys...

this puts me in a weird position.

warped

maybe my safety net built on words like
'just a stage' and 'lust' and 'attention' and 'prince on a white horse' and 'kids, family, perfect marriage' and 'artistic'
has fallen through.

maybe i've always been like this
but never wanted to be

maybe i'm just a little girl
still just afraid of defying everyone's expectations.

eyes

if i ever want to hurt myself
feel something
i just listen to that song.

Hard

i need someone to hand me a book
with me preserved in print
'here's everything you'll ever need to know' they'll say
and it will be easy

i'll read up on me
late into the night
'your hair will be brown, you'll be bad at sports'
and it will be easy

and things will get more complicated
'you'll be introverted, but you'll be a performer at heart'
it'll still be concrete
and it will still be easy

and there will be a whole section on love
'from him you'll learn this, from her you'll learn that.'
'this will end here, this will end there'
'and it will be easy'

but i don't have that book
and for certain reasons
that's very good
but not so easy

some mornings i look at that girl in the mirror
and i know her and where she fits
and other days
like today
she's a stranger
and that's really hard

i couldn't tell you right now if she's gay or straight or somewhere in between
or nothing at all
because no one knows that
no one can help anyone else figure that out
it's only for me
and that's really hard too

today, the girl's broken pieces are SO obvious
the girl i have lost the ability to love
love like that little girl did
love like i have for the past six years
there's no emotional love left today
which is the hardest to face

there is nothing easy about discovery.
and i must stop hoping there will be.

mmmm...

i wish someone would [want/itch/desire/NEED] to touch me that badly
if i'm the only person that ever feels that way about anyone

then i'm the most pathetic thing ever.

so lost

sometimes when you're lost for a long time
and can't find anywhere to head towards
you accidentally turn backwards and run to what used to be the right place
but that place has changed within the last year
it's better now, but its not right

i think i just need to stay put and look for some sign of a way out.

emotion sickness

i died last night
it had been coming for a while, you know
the odd burst of tears and
too much time alone and
twisting insides and
no hunger and
painful fatigue
that's what i was
and last night i had to really cry
and i clutched the hem of my shirt and said your name
because even though the outside me was fine
underneath it all, i was breaking

today, i live again
because you took your loving hammer
and patched up all my insides

thanks.

puppets

why is it that
that i can't make my own decisions?
ever?
everyone has a say, whether they know it, or not
whether they like it, or not
i'm the collective puppet
that no one really knows about
strings pull me this way, that way
sometimes they pull in opposite directions
sometimes they break
sometimes i can't find them
and that's the scariest part

i'm no good at doing what's right for me

the writer

feelings too big for my body and
not enough people to share them with and
pressure pulling me in and pushing me together all at once and

indisputable sorrow.

no more words

green
orange
always drawing parallels, you know?
it was this temperature
inappropriate footwear
and i was even wearing the same sweater
although it was new then
and had seen less

i've walked these tracks a million times
with an infinite number of words in my head
your words, my words
will i ever have a reason to walk this way when you're gone?

it's funny how when i've been down for so long
i'm pulled irresistibly to that night
that happiness
i've gone to that bench twice
but i've lived that night a billion times

its cute, but its dumb
i only feel hollow, running full speed
feeling like an idiot, remembering you were wearing red
like that sweater someone dropped off to remind me
and when i sit this time
i don't want to be you
i just want to be me

and i can't believe someone could have swallowed me this fully
but you have, and you did, and i don't know if i could get away from it
there are no analogies to describe how i've changed since i met you
but the memories are all their
overturned, purple underbellies
because i don't want to lose this
ever

and as i realize for the hundredth time how crazy i am
i have to run away from the spot
as the shadows approach
literally
its the kind of place you can't stay for too long without approaching what's beyond this life
and that's certainly not a place i'm ready for yet
whether its good, or bad

and i walk in time down the last stretch
have cried here twice now
i've stopped counting how many times you've walked this way with me
in my head, my heart
and by my side

i have to slow down to make the music last
but as it gets to the end
i realize i am too far away to make it
and again i run

its the end of an eternal era
it really is
i am more over you than i will ever be
but my love for you is still too big to hold

i want to keep everything this way

getting to the point of melodramatic...

reaffirm your love for me
because if i'm completely honest, i'm nothing without it

please don't hate me because i want you to care as much as i do.

hello anger

hello old friend
must i smother your fires once again?
so easily mistaken for passion
that's not it this time.

i want to be so, so angry at you.

kiss

you would give me the only thing i ever really wanted for the longest time
right before i became more upset with you
than i ever have been before

the thing is
the more i leave you behind, the more real i become
the less i need you, the more i am alive

and the less i need you, the more, it seems, you need me

i've finally been unblinded
granted the ability to fight you
to accuse you
to hate you

but for as long as i live
and love
i will never, ever want to.

stop correcting your feelings

maybe all the reasons i face these angry and upset nights
aren't my fault
maybe they're yours.

maybe i've been right about your idiotic priorities all along.
but this time, i'm not going to come crying back to you.

it's your turn, you stupid little fuck.

afterthought

i don't know how to be anything without someone else.

what's wrong?

my life hurts.

i can't be anything without someone else.

some things never change

yeah so i guess my secret fear of losing you to someone else
never really went away
it runs in hand with my secret insecurity about everyone's love
for me.
and the two of those are close friends with my very secret hate for myself

because keeping that apart from me is the only way i know how to keep sane

smile

smile because things that are dumb can make some people really happy
smile because you made someone happy
smile because things are pretty much always good here
even when it doesn't seem like it

smile because there's so much more to come

don't judge the broken soldier

have you ever had too much broken in you to throw out?
to overcome?
have you been to the gates of hell and back?

have you ever cried out everything you were made of?
for little reason?
have you ever thought you were going to die in despair?

have you ever felt the dark glory at the surface's first scratch?
of the thin, swollen reds?
have you ever tried to break the skin?

have you ever thought of reactions if they knew?
of how they would feel?
have you ever secretly wanted it to scar?

have you ever dried your tears and pulled over the woolen blindfold?
felt the burn of wool and raw skin?
have you ever gone and pretended you were fine?

have you ever checked for scars the next morning?
for scabs, for reminders?
have you ever pressed down to remind yourself how it felt?

have you ever felt the guilt?
the pain of your own judgments?
have you ever regretted, felt like a failure?

have you ever been afraid of a simple thing?
a household item?
have you ever been afraid you couldn't control yourself anymore?

have you ever been thrown against a wall?
or been told you would never be good enough?
have you ever thought you should just run and never look back?

well i have
and i do
and i will
and there is nothing more to do

so don't judge me
until you've met that darkest hour
until you've been me
the world already hurts me
so what's the difference if i hurt myself?

it feels good, at least for a tiny moment

decision

don't ask me to say yes
right when i was going to say no

it's better if you don't ask at all anymore

crash

this building, she is my life's work
i've stacked her up, brick by single brick
i've painted her inside and cleaned her outside and let people live in there
sometimes it was hard
sometimes it was easy
sometimes i was happy
sometimes i wasn't
there's still more i'm fixing, still more i'm building, still more i want to add

but you
are homeless.
and this year, you came to live inside my building
mostly, it's OK
mostly, it's pretty good
sometimes i cry about it.

when you feel awful
when you feel lower than any basement
because of where you are in the world
then that's when you search my building for its weak points
you look for those places in the foundation
to poke, and drill, and smash
and the building withers
it curls in on itself
flows, and it sways
like fragile fluid

it makes you feel better
but it makes me feel worse
it makes me hate you
it makes me hate them
it makes me hate me

so you go sit on your throne and leave me to fix the foundation
back-breaking labour
as if it was my fault
in your mind, it is

and for a while there is a good time
and for a while i can be OK

but i know the building will start to fall again
and i'm wondering how many times i can keep fixing it
before it crashes

i will help fix you
if you will help fix you
i will help fix you
if you will stop breaking me down.

i don't want to leave.

i hate this

you are the outlet of my slow transformation into her
i want to fix you
i want to love you
i want to heal the twisted, diseased thing that this is

but you block me out
i'm not a person to you
i care more than any person can
i never want anyone to hurt you
do you see that?
if you do, you take it for granted

why are you so scared?
why are you so scared of the world?
why are you so scared of me...?

don't direct your self-hate at your only life line
you must expect me to be a real fucking strong person
to hold on while you beat me to fix yourself

what am i doing to myself?
what have i done?
all my life i've wanted to get out of this depressed situation
and i've just succeeded in throwing myself back into it

the thing is, people are people
you can't just throw them out
you can't give up on them

even to save yourself

Low

when everything has fallen
there isn't anywhere else to go
or anything else to do
but float alone at the bottom

please

I've never wanted anyone so bad.
Just to have something.
To break a cycle.

And not because they are who they are.

please

i'd do anything for you

and i don't even love you that much.

busy

so much of this is so important
write, play, sing, read, see, laugh...
but its all being shafted for something stupid like school
why can't I have a million more hours?

march break

i hate you
honestly
you're really fabulous at just ruining things
and why the hell would you think i'd want to waste my life with YOU

everything's backfired this week
massive hangover and
indecisive mind and
too damn awkward and
shitty family

i should just give up.

grown up

darling i love you
do you remember a year ago you had this feeling while walking to his house?
now, you have this feeling as you go to meet a group of strangers unlike anyone you've ever met
with him.
i'm so proud of you.
so proud.

post st. patrick's day

i am NEVER doing that again
....
now i just need to figure out
how to channel last night's girl
and use her tonight.
without the morning queasiness.
hookups?
....
ugh

maybes

maybe i fell again
this time i didn't want to
maybe i need to

maybe i'm scared to
yeah, so much of it's so wrong
maybe i could deal

maybe i want him
he might be so good for me
maybe i've wanted him...

all this time.

full circle

a year ago today, i fell in love with my future best friend

he's beautiful.
and i'm happy.

because archive wanted me too

emily wants to know why everyone hates themselves.

don't cut.
don't cry.
don't throw up.
don't get angry.

please just try to love yourself as much as i love you.

fake

i don't think you understand the enormity of work it takes to keep myself in your world
i mean, some days i just want to curl up under my covers and never come out again
or just go back and be that girl i was before i met highschool
i mean, what right do i have to be here?
it's so hard to convince myself i'm worth it
so hard to convince myself i can do it
so hard to be what i want to be

but as long as i hush it up, i might just be able to fake it

jealous

it seems to be the best indicator of love is jealousy
i hated him
and realized i loved her
i hated them
cause i knew i loved him
now he hates both of them

so i know he loves me.

PLEASE

Pleasedon'tgopleasedon'tgopleasepleasepleasepleasePLEASE
I don't think I could deal with doing that all again
And it would be even worse this time
Because I was so ready to make this forever
Deep down inside I knew I was taking it for granted
It was too good to be true
I couldn't stand it if I never saw you again.
PLEASE STAY.

Please.

too damn bad

homophobia is so terribly unfortunate
not only is it ignorant and unfair
and forces you to write me off
but it also forces me to write you off as well

because being true to myself and happy about it
well, that's worth more than any homophobe

oh, and my friends who are gay?
they could own you any time

between two worlds

sometimes I watch the ghost of my potential future slide over, wrap her arms around him and kiss him. and he loves her back, you can see it in his eyes.
i can feel it in my bones.
you can watch that me throw herself into those friendships, the ones that are new and fit perfectly and feel really good
and do you know what? those friendships run hand in hand with getting him.

but there's still the scraps of that old world hanging around
those scraps, they don't feel good anymore
it doesn't feel good to hold on to them, even though it's the right thing to do
why do we have to listen to the potential future talk shit about the embarrassing past?
we shouldn't, because a huge part of us belongs to that past
and those people, living fully in that past
well, they're good people
and they do care about us

so we hang between worlds
one day, we hope to have finally let go of that old world
and in our wildest dreams, be sitting fully in that potential future
it would be beautiful
but would it be right?

this is a heart

this is a heart full of
gentle pressure and
lost keys and
dried flowers and
saved tears and
piano notes and
pretty words and
long drives and
points of light that
push me forward even when
i'm blinded by everything that hurts

this is a heart
that holds you in it
and never lets go.

forgetting my grammar

words are less obnoxious when they aren't capitalized.

Moonlit parks

it's not the same when it's mid winter
and wet
it's not the same when it's only a single star
and the shard of a lonely moon
it's not the same when you've already talked about it all
and there's no warm secrecy to explore
and you know, they aren't the same person
and it couldn't be the same
because it already happened

and special things are special because they're individuals

Driving

the slow constant rhythm of movement never
ceasing the melody resounding in my chest and
lights flashing past my eyes as the
night conquers what's left of the
day

the comfort of a well broken-in
relationship and the silence of needing to say
nothing and the beauty of knowing nothing
ever has to change

the smile caused by the journey and not
the definite destination, the spontaneity of
going and going and maybe not coming
back

Out-Growing

Sometimes, you have to turn around and put them back on like an old sweater.
A red, woolly sweater, tight around the middle, short in the arms, short in the waist.
Much too small.
And another thing...it's really rather ugly.
So you grab those new expensive, pretty jeans and pull them on and do them up because not only do they look amazing, but they feel amazing, and being with them is probably all you'll ever need.
But is that OK?

Hi Baby

I'll be waiting here when you decide exactly how much I'm worth to you.
'Til then, don't expect me to stop living my life.
xo

Playing

slut, whore, promiscuous, sexual
her love is like a thousand shallow holes that need to be dug
but there are so many, it doesn't seem necessary anymore
and it's too hard to pick just one
it's too bad the epic romantic feelings have gone
they were sort of nice, though unproductive
and were probably healthier
and more satisfying
in the long run
than all this fooling around.

Dejected

a friendship that disintegrates quickly when thrown into motion
but will stay together if we both stay away

a friendship that is disintegrating, which we don't want
but you don't seem to want to help it back up

a friendship that is fully in motion to the point where things have gone weird
but weird in a nice way

she hates those days when nothing seems to go nicely
and there is nothing left to look forward too
and she knows she should be thankful

but there is too much that isn't right.

Scared

wondering whether to try and push away the inevitable because it could be good and it could be terrible
and knowing either way you won't get back to where you are now in your head, so you won't be able to fix it or stop it from happening
and hoping and wishing the girl coming out from inside is someone really special

Um...

so that was really weird
but I don't think...
...I don't think I didn't want it
I kind of just need to figure out whether I want him
or just that

and whether explaining would be the appropriate thing to do

Ultimatum

tears for her, not me
well, not really; there were two
more were expected

you asked honestly
and begged; so I said it all
this family is fucked

just end it all soon
or fix it; I know you can't
so I'll be gone soon

it doesn't matter
I deal with it as it comes
nothing is perfect

I'm not that hopeless
in fact, I talk, not to you
I know how I feel

yeah, you did break me
and yeah, it's way too late now
years can't be erased

but I'll be okay
some people have worse, it's true
I'm feeling it all

it's a stack of cards
we build and build silently
it falls, we restart

two years.

Repulsed

Yeah, we all know you want someone.
But be true to yourself.
You don't really want him.
The only reason you got interested was because he was.
And that's a recipe for getting hurt.

Growing up

You must be getting older, faster.
Because why aren't you holding on?
Why isn't this hard?

Wanting him in a detached way is so nice. So perfect.
Let's do it again soon.

What The Fuck

...did I just get myself into?

Reminder:

Things change, you silly girl.

Struggling for Connections

Feelings I don't like:
That no one you like really likes you back very much anymore.
That the general population doesn't think of you as much more than a nice girl.
That you actually hurt him really badly, and he just doesn't want to blame you.
That you might be drifting apart (scary).
That there really isn't anyone left to make life feel right.

It's sad.

Night

Laying in the stillness and the darkness.
Can't move because suddenly the world is ridiculously heavy on my shoulders.
The window glows softly.
My eyes roll around, the only things free from night's pretty chains.
They see what I've done.

Guilt

Take a deep breath.
Can't. What the fuck? What's deep?
It's like waking up and realizing the words you said turned into a monster that is wreaking havoc everywhere.
You want to vomit.
To expel all the guilt you feel, like a wet, bloody mess.
To cover your mouth and never say another word.
To have him scream at you.

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him."
But it's definitely hurting me.

Neutral

Hurt to say them, but they needed to be said.
Maybe I went a little too far.
I'll admit that I did.
But now my eyes are a little more opened.
And I still love you.
I just love him too.

So I needed a chance to take his side for once.

Unravel

It was a really nice ribbon.
It was.
Until for some reason, I kind of ripped open the seam.
And now it's fraying, on both ends.
Slowly, slowly, slowly...
Until it meets.
And they unwind.

Elsewhere

I think I'll move on elsewhere
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
Where no one knows my name.
I'll get out of fucking Oakville,
I'm tired of the weather.
I think I'll get a lover
And do this all again
I think I'll move on elsewhere
I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town
To leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of this sunset
It can be nice in the summer
Some snow would be nice....

Elsewhere.
Where no one knows my name.

Simple

What was missing was really quite simple.

Music in my ears and thoughts in my head as the world melts around me and his smile and his words and the comfort of an experienced friendship. Like taking out your spring coat after winter's said his goodbyes. And putting it on and remembering.

Sitting on that bench and reflecting on me and on him and on life. And getting that phone call, just when it was what you wanted, and probably needed. And running. Fast.

But did I fill the hole?

Doesn't seem like it.

Tears

Why I cried after every night:
the best thing in my life was never quite good enough.

Why I'm never satisfied:
I got more than I ever asked for (a best friend)...and still, I never got what I wanted (a lover)

Why I'm still crying:
I never appreciated what I got when I had it.

And now it's gone.

And that's really very sad.

Alone

And just as I was telling myself to relish in these golden hours
You yanked them away
And now they lay just out of reach
Relics of happy times
Fading from my head and heart as quickly as they appeared there

What's a best friend?
Is it a friendship that can withstand any obstacle? Like time, distance, business...
With that special connection?
Does a best friendship have to face these stupid obstacles?
Why can't I just see you every day?
Why...
Why does life have to be so trying?
Why can't those precious moments be closer together?
And why can't the space in between be filled with something other than loneliness and despair?

It feels like as soon as I got them, they got taken away.
Everyone I want to love is either non-existent,
Or far away.

And I want to love them so bad.

Friends With Comforts

why does this seem to
keep happening; friends are friends
changes shouldn't hurt

bored is not an option in friendship

Second Half

God, I miss you.
I miss you so much I don't know if I can stand another eighty days not seeing you.
And I don't really have a right to miss you this much.

Not really.

Permanance

You know it will be there forever.
Until one day...
It starts to slip away.

And to be honest, you aren't missing it as much as you thought you might.

Protector

I accidentally walked in just as the rest of the world walked out.
And now I'm staying.

For good this time.

The Storm

I'm the thinnest rack of bones you'll ever repair
Frozen like old lost January prayers
Prayers to see where we might go
Desperation pressing me down below

My feet are wet, my hands are dry
You stand against the frigid skies
Take your hands and press them here
Feel my pulse; it's loud and clear

Use your heart to keep me warm
Cover me up before the storm

Six weeks left of bitter chill
Of tight strained breaths; of fake-ass thrills
Could you ever want me? Should I even ask?
Or take these hasty feelings, and let them slowly pass

No space to sing, no space to smile
No way to make this season worthwhile
And as your hands come closer still
I do not move, by strength of will

Use your heart to keep me warm
Cover me up before the storm
Use your heart to keep me warm
Cover me up before I...
Lose it all
Lose it all
Lose it all
Lose it all
Lose my chance.

I need you.

Mine

Oh God, I want him.
More than anything.
More than anybody else.

Please. I just need a little luck.

Swing Swing

Yeah, yeah, I get it.
Yeah, I know I have to deal with it.
It's just frustrating when you suddenly back out of things.
Or take them out on me.


Time to be the strong one, here.

Lifetime

new
small, no memories
fresh and soft with light filled life
there in someone's arms

three
still quite new to life
grappling for position now
discovering worlds

five
has learnt to say no
it's fun; ten steps ahead now
and look, there are boys

eight
shy and calm, smiley
friends make confidence abound
time with head in books

ten
yeah, awkward as hell
cute in some ways; it's nice to
be sorta in love

twelve
so, all legs and arms
she wonders where the world's gone
struggles with love; lost

fifteen
a learned grace inside
friends become family; art's love
nice to be growing

future
its uncertain but
it's looking to be one hell
of an awesome ride

Desires

hands on me here, there
everywhere; solid and soft
warm, smooth, breath, touch, sigh

heart on you here, there
everywhere; warm and throbbing
love, life, hold, yours, mine

Defective

Pretty
Funny
Smart
Talented
Sexy
Sweet
Trustworthy
Fun
Or so I've been told.

So either everyone's lying, or there's just something huge I'm missing here.

Desperation

Don't treat me like we're playing a game, cause maybe I don't want to lose maybe I don't want to risk it all for you.

I think it's bad that I'm so desperate I'm willing to take anyone who will take me. Even if it sacrifices them in the long run.

Blank Spot

What's missing? Where does it go? Was it ever there? Did it leave? Did it ever exist to begin with? How do I get it back? How do I find out what it is? Why do I need it? Why is it gone in the first place? What is this ache I feel? Why can't I enjoy what I have?
What's missing? Is it a where? A how? A why? A when? A what? A who?
Who's missing? Why are they missing? What do I need them for anyway? What's my problem? Why can't I be grateful? How am I supposed to move on with this empty spot taking over me?

Why does it hurt so bad to be missing something?

Arrogance And Confidence

it is a wonder
to be young and beautiful
and know it full well

it is a wonder
to be pretty and stared at
and know it full well

it is a wonder
to be wanted by others
and know it full well

but it is divine
to have gifts that are lovely
and know if full well

Monday

excitement is like
bodies of liquid candy
aches to taste each other

trip on the train tracks
four of us thrilled to be one
laughs much expected

Fights

put on a brave face
and got really used to it
he doesn't care much

did everything right
and good; should have ended well
but he always hurts

not fair cause I did
so very well with all of it
I should hurt, not him

Singular

needing him ten times
more than before (that was lots)
without them i'm lost

Maybe it does hurt...

wasn't a lie cause
i wasn't sad til after
when we said goodbye

Haikus For A While

stepping out of me
redhead he's too beautiful
other one's awkward

waking up tired
de-stimulating the brain
nicely disgusting

i like loneliness
music fills the silences
no volume limit

Boys

The more time I spend with boys, the more I realize just how frustrating they are.
Even when they're your best friends.

Old Friends

I'm struggling with these feelings because I feel like they aren't fair and they aren't what I want. But I don't understand how they can be content with their lives, spending them doing those things with those kinds of people?
That's like...having an apple and a chocolate cake in front of you, and choosing the apple. It's good, I guess, but dull and simple and un-fullfilled!
I don't understand it. I really don't.

Psycho

How do you make someone understand you...
...if they can't even seem to understand themself half the time?

Them First

I love him.
And I love him too.
And I want nothing more than for them to be so happy.

So if something that makes them happy
Destroys me...

Should I smile and pretend I'm OK?

Shackles

seeing you and needing you and wanting you and not knowing anything else but you
mouths and hands and legs and arms and bodies and heat and wet and tongues and god i want that
but no
no
no
no

held back by my shackles
wanting you so bad
never quite close enough
what is close enough?
why am I not allowed there?

those shackles are cutting into my skin
and i'm bleeding everywhere...

Reflections Of A Musical Sort

Stress

Stress is like a little demon lurking somewhere nearby.
As long as you're busy and working and finishing and doing,
You can't see it.
But as soon as you stop for one idle moment...
Out he jumps to tackle you and stop your breathing.

busyworkingfinishingdoingbusyworkingfinishingdoingbusyworkingfinishingdoing...

Funeral Reflections

Wear the cross, she says.
It's just a piece of metal. It means nothing.
I feel like a liar. Like a fake.
Fake like my grim smile.

She tells me the words to say.
I feel like her puppet again, but this time I need to be.
I don't know what to do, what to say.
She feeds me the words.
"I'm very sorry for your loss."

Swallowing tears because you never even met him.
But it hurts to see their faces.
It hurts to see how it hurts them.

They're all strangers. All the names.
All the people.
All their words to say about a man who only existed in words to me.
But I'm the real stranger here.
Paying my respects to a stranger who seemed like he would've been a neat guy.

It's funny how when death devastates, we run to pretty things like
Flowers, and songs.
Cover up comfort things.
To cover up how scared we really are.

I think that a funeral isn't so much an occasion to mourn a death
Or an occasion to celebrate a life
As a moment of closure.
A moment to say, "He's gone, and this is over."
A moment to make everything real to ourselves, and to everyone around us.
A moment to surround ourselves with real, living people who love.

Moments like these make me wish for faith.
For total belief that this isn't all we have.
And sometimes,
When they say things like, "What are you going to sing at your grandfather's funeral?"
Or, "You can have the piano when he dies."
Or, "Dad only has a month left. Might as well let him have a glass of wine if he wants it."
I feel a surge of faith and guilt come back to me.
And I whisper a secret, reluctant prayer.
Just in case God's really there.
And really cares.
And will protect me from what's coming.

And just in case you're reading this, God, I'm sorry for doubting you. But this is me, and I don't know how to do it any other way.

Clinging to my eyes

What if
I lose the way the winter lights shine off the buildings?
The soft blue of the sky?
The breeze in the naked trees?

What if
I lose the feelings that come only with
reading a really good book?
Seeing a really good movie?
Taking a really good picture?

What if
I lose
The blue in his eyes?
The shine in her hair?
The cockiness in his smile?
The freckles on her nose?
The darkness of her eyelashes?

Who ever knew I would treasure those two blue-green orbs as much as I do
Now that I know I might lose them.

Relief

can't take it anymore because we need him so bad in so many ways.
so we run and throw ourselves at him.
and too our immense relief
he lets us back in
nothing has changed
he already knew
we should give him more credit

"I still love you."

we should've known he'd love us the way we are.

Mindrape

No.
Take your hands away.
Please, no.
I know you gave me all of you, but I have so much more to protect.
Don't.
You're bigger than me. Stronger. I'm so small. Please don't overpower me.
No.
I'm shaking. I'm going to cry.
Please.
Each flick of your finger another secret revealed.
Don't please.
What's coming next? What are you thinking?
No, please.
I think I'm going to die.

STOP I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
I'M NOT READY TO HAVE YOU IN THERE.

Girl

So much to say, but no way to say it.

How do you tell someone they've been on your mind constantly for seven months?

Torrential

Would I give up all the goodness I have know, to get rid of all the sadness?
Maybe.
No.

Because, as much as this sucks...this is what life is now. And I can't change it. I just have to deal with the rain when it comes.

But my house is leaking, and I'm getting really wet...

Help me. Please.
I'm scared to drown.

Skeletons Inside

Trying to reach down deep inside and pull out what I'm feeling, because it needs to get out but I don't really want to see what it is.
Because if I'm perfectly honest it's last year's rotting corpses.

Family

sometimes we're born into the wrong places and we just have to wait until we have enough money and independence to move out of them