this is a heart

this is a heart full of
gentle pressure and
lost keys and
dried flowers and
saved tears and
piano notes and
pretty words and
long drives and
points of light that
push me forward even when
i'm blinded by everything that hurts

this is a heart
that holds you in it
and never lets go.

forgetting my grammar

words are less obnoxious when they aren't capitalized.

Moonlit parks

it's not the same when it's mid winter
and wet
it's not the same when it's only a single star
and the shard of a lonely moon
it's not the same when you've already talked about it all
and there's no warm secrecy to explore
and you know, they aren't the same person
and it couldn't be the same
because it already happened

and special things are special because they're individuals

Driving

the slow constant rhythm of movement never
ceasing the melody resounding in my chest and
lights flashing past my eyes as the
night conquers what's left of the
day

the comfort of a well broken-in
relationship and the silence of needing to say
nothing and the beauty of knowing nothing
ever has to change

the smile caused by the journey and not
the definite destination, the spontaneity of
going and going and maybe not coming
back

Out-Growing

Sometimes, you have to turn around and put them back on like an old sweater.
A red, woolly sweater, tight around the middle, short in the arms, short in the waist.
Much too small.
And another thing...it's really rather ugly.
So you grab those new expensive, pretty jeans and pull them on and do them up because not only do they look amazing, but they feel amazing, and being with them is probably all you'll ever need.
But is that OK?

Hi Baby

I'll be waiting here when you decide exactly how much I'm worth to you.
'Til then, don't expect me to stop living my life.
xo

Playing

slut, whore, promiscuous, sexual
her love is like a thousand shallow holes that need to be dug
but there are so many, it doesn't seem necessary anymore
and it's too hard to pick just one
it's too bad the epic romantic feelings have gone
they were sort of nice, though unproductive
and were probably healthier
and more satisfying
in the long run
than all this fooling around.

Dejected

a friendship that disintegrates quickly when thrown into motion
but will stay together if we both stay away

a friendship that is disintegrating, which we don't want
but you don't seem to want to help it back up

a friendship that is fully in motion to the point where things have gone weird
but weird in a nice way

she hates those days when nothing seems to go nicely
and there is nothing left to look forward too
and she knows she should be thankful

but there is too much that isn't right.

Scared

wondering whether to try and push away the inevitable because it could be good and it could be terrible
and knowing either way you won't get back to where you are now in your head, so you won't be able to fix it or stop it from happening
and hoping and wishing the girl coming out from inside is someone really special

Um...

so that was really weird
but I don't think...
...I don't think I didn't want it
I kind of just need to figure out whether I want him
or just that

and whether explaining would be the appropriate thing to do

Ultimatum

tears for her, not me
well, not really; there were two
more were expected

you asked honestly
and begged; so I said it all
this family is fucked

just end it all soon
or fix it; I know you can't
so I'll be gone soon

it doesn't matter
I deal with it as it comes
nothing is perfect

I'm not that hopeless
in fact, I talk, not to you
I know how I feel

yeah, you did break me
and yeah, it's way too late now
years can't be erased

but I'll be okay
some people have worse, it's true
I'm feeling it all

it's a stack of cards
we build and build silently
it falls, we restart

two years.

Repulsed

Yeah, we all know you want someone.
But be true to yourself.
You don't really want him.
The only reason you got interested was because he was.
And that's a recipe for getting hurt.

Growing up

You must be getting older, faster.
Because why aren't you holding on?
Why isn't this hard?

Wanting him in a detached way is so nice. So perfect.
Let's do it again soon.

What The Fuck

...did I just get myself into?

Reminder:

Things change, you silly girl.

Struggling for Connections

Feelings I don't like:
That no one you like really likes you back very much anymore.
That the general population doesn't think of you as much more than a nice girl.
That you actually hurt him really badly, and he just doesn't want to blame you.
That you might be drifting apart (scary).
That there really isn't anyone left to make life feel right.

It's sad.

Night

Laying in the stillness and the darkness.
Can't move because suddenly the world is ridiculously heavy on my shoulders.
The window glows softly.
My eyes roll around, the only things free from night's pretty chains.
They see what I've done.

Guilt

Take a deep breath.
Can't. What the fuck? What's deep?
It's like waking up and realizing the words you said turned into a monster that is wreaking havoc everywhere.
You want to vomit.
To expel all the guilt you feel, like a wet, bloody mess.
To cover your mouth and never say another word.
To have him scream at you.

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him."
But it's definitely hurting me.

Neutral

Hurt to say them, but they needed to be said.
Maybe I went a little too far.
I'll admit that I did.
But now my eyes are a little more opened.
And I still love you.
I just love him too.

So I needed a chance to take his side for once.

Unravel

It was a really nice ribbon.
It was.
Until for some reason, I kind of ripped open the seam.
And now it's fraying, on both ends.
Slowly, slowly, slowly...
Until it meets.
And they unwind.

Elsewhere

I think I'll move on elsewhere
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
Where no one knows my name.
I'll get out of fucking Oakville,
I'm tired of the weather.
I think I'll get a lover
And do this all again
I think I'll move on elsewhere
I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town
To leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of this sunset
It can be nice in the summer
Some snow would be nice....

Elsewhere.
Where no one knows my name.

Simple

What was missing was really quite simple.

Music in my ears and thoughts in my head as the world melts around me and his smile and his words and the comfort of an experienced friendship. Like taking out your spring coat after winter's said his goodbyes. And putting it on and remembering.

Sitting on that bench and reflecting on me and on him and on life. And getting that phone call, just when it was what you wanted, and probably needed. And running. Fast.

But did I fill the hole?

Doesn't seem like it.

Tears

Why I cried after every night:
the best thing in my life was never quite good enough.

Why I'm never satisfied:
I got more than I ever asked for (a best friend)...and still, I never got what I wanted (a lover)

Why I'm still crying:
I never appreciated what I got when I had it.

And now it's gone.

And that's really very sad.

Alone

And just as I was telling myself to relish in these golden hours
You yanked them away
And now they lay just out of reach
Relics of happy times
Fading from my head and heart as quickly as they appeared there

What's a best friend?
Is it a friendship that can withstand any obstacle? Like time, distance, business...
With that special connection?
Does a best friendship have to face these stupid obstacles?
Why can't I just see you every day?
Why...
Why does life have to be so trying?
Why can't those precious moments be closer together?
And why can't the space in between be filled with something other than loneliness and despair?

It feels like as soon as I got them, they got taken away.
Everyone I want to love is either non-existent,
Or far away.

And I want to love them so bad.

Friends With Comforts

why does this seem to
keep happening; friends are friends
changes shouldn't hurt

bored is not an option in friendship

Second Half

God, I miss you.
I miss you so much I don't know if I can stand another eighty days not seeing you.
And I don't really have a right to miss you this much.

Not really.

Permanance

You know it will be there forever.
Until one day...
It starts to slip away.

And to be honest, you aren't missing it as much as you thought you might.

Protector

I accidentally walked in just as the rest of the world walked out.
And now I'm staying.

For good this time.

The Storm

I'm the thinnest rack of bones you'll ever repair
Frozen like old lost January prayers
Prayers to see where we might go
Desperation pressing me down below

My feet are wet, my hands are dry
You stand against the frigid skies
Take your hands and press them here
Feel my pulse; it's loud and clear

Use your heart to keep me warm
Cover me up before the storm

Six weeks left of bitter chill
Of tight strained breaths; of fake-ass thrills
Could you ever want me? Should I even ask?
Or take these hasty feelings, and let them slowly pass

No space to sing, no space to smile
No way to make this season worthwhile
And as your hands come closer still
I do not move, by strength of will

Use your heart to keep me warm
Cover me up before the storm
Use your heart to keep me warm
Cover me up before I...
Lose it all
Lose it all
Lose it all
Lose it all
Lose my chance.

I need you.

Mine

Oh God, I want him.
More than anything.
More than anybody else.

Please. I just need a little luck.