The Downside of Christmas

"We can't afford it right now."
"We can't seem those people anymore."
"They aren't our family."
"Christmas is a hard time for us."

Times that are for families are hard to deal with when families aren't very common around here anymore.

You Could...

Take my heart and rip it out.
Go on now.
Take it.
I don't need it.

I don't use it much these days.

Home Sweet Home

Mother screaming.
Father screaming.
Predictable.

Accusations and
Fake apologies
Bald-faced lies and
Angry tears
That goddamn fucking box.

Living my present with their past pressing on my shoulders.
Struggling to protect my future from my present.
Scared as hell I'm going to end up that way.

Drowning it all out with music.
But feeling it cut me up inside.

Jigsaw

I put the puzzle together but there were pieces missing.
So I looked for them.
And looked.
And looked.
And looked.
And I think I found some that were pretty close to perfect.
But they belonged to another puzzle.
And I couldn't bear to steal them away.

So now I'm trying to fit some other pieces in, but they aren't really the same.
Except I have to make them work.
They're my only option.
And I need to finish that puzzle.

Accidental Poem

I never wanted to hurt you
But I didn't want you to hurt me either
I still don't want to hurt you
But I'm finding it harder every day
Look, let's put it simply
We were best friends
Summer past us by
And then we saw the end

You don't deserve this poem and
I didn't mean to write it
But here it is...

Flowers bloomed and summer burned
Harder than I knew it could've
But now we're in the middle of a winter
And all we have left are should'ves
Should've tried
Should've lied
Shouldn't have fallen for you
And now I'm walking away
And it's your turn to go too

I will always keep the blame
Deep inside a burning flame
I didn't know myself then
I didn't know what I was feeling then
Look, let's put it simply
Once two people get that far
You can't get back
There's no where to go

You don't deserve this poem and
I didn't mean to write it
But here it is...

Flowers bloomed and summer burned
Harder than I knew it could've
But now we're in the middle of a winter
And all we have left are should'ves
Should've tried
Should've lied
Shouldn't have fallen for you
And now I'm walking away
And it's your turn to go too

And don't you worry girl,
I'm not crying anymore, see?
You taught me more than you'll ever know
About life, and you, and me
And I will always be here
Whenever you need a chance
To remember how good things were
Or whenever you feel small
And need someone to hold

All I'm trying to say
Is you need to let me go
Things have changed
We're not the same people anymore
So take a breath, and move along
I promise you'll be OK

Settting Myself Up For Disaster

Shit.
Didn't mean to fall.
I tripped.
Wasn't my fault.

Well, its good at least.
You're over the past.
Moving on.
It'll be better.

Then you look at me.
I can't breathe.
Shit.
Maybe you like me?
No, don't think that.
Seriously, fuck.
Setting myself up.
I'm a dumbass.
You can't get attached.
You CAN'T.
You'll get hurt.
You can't stand any more heartbreak.

Please, though.
They think you have a chance.
No, goddamnit.
They aren't him.
They don't know.
They love you.
They want you to have the good outcome.
But they don't know.

But, I love him.
Why not try?
He must like me.
At least, a little.
We'd be so good together.

You aren't ready.
You're going to get hurt.
Again.
And honestly,
I don't think you can deal with that.
I think it might destroy you.
And I'm scared, Em.
I'm so scared.
We've been to some scary places together.
I don't want to go there anymore.
And I think we need to stay safe.

I can't do that.
I just can't.
I'm willing to risk it all.
I still have hope.
I'm sorry.
Shit.
I should get out now.

Disgusting Habbit

Just when I finally get a good look at your heart.
And I see where it's rotting.
Right there.
Contrasting values.
I can't agree with what you're doing.
"Maybe I can change you. Maybe it isn't as bad as I think," part of me says.
All of me hopes that's true.

Fingers In My Ears

LALALALALALALALALA
WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE SAYING?
I CAN'T HEAR YOU, SORRY.
LALALALALALALALALALA.
I'M TOO IN LOVE TO HEAR YOU.
SO...JUST BE QUIET.
HUSH HUSH HUSH.
NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THAT SORT OF THING ANYWAY.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY.
So keep quiet.
Or else.

The Consequence Of Moving On

There's a little voice in the back of my mind.
And I can't hear it if I sing loud enough, or dance crazily enough, or when you're talking to me.
And I can't hear it if I pretend well enough.
But today it caught me unawares.
And it said,
"What if you're settling for second best?"
And then I wanted to cry.

Unsent Letters

Dear Beautiful,
You are: Perfect
I wish: I could go back
I think: About you way too much
I wonder: If I'll ever forget you
Everything: Reminds me of you
I regret: All that wasted time
I want: You close to me
I should tell you: I love you.
Love, Emily

Dear Obsessive,
You are: Frustrating
I wish: You would take a bit of a hint
I think: You need to move on
I wonder: Why I still find you strangely attractive
Everything: You do seems to aggravate me
I regret: That you're probably going to read this
I want: You to be happy, but not with me
I should tell you: Goodbye
Love, Emily

In My Corners

I lost myself
While looking for him
Can't seem to find her
Anywhere
Said I was done
With all this shit, I promised
That's before I saw you
Over there

And I can't stand to fail all over again
But I can't find it in me to give up

So press yourself into my corners
And show me everything you have
Every day, I'm getting older
I'm so tired of trying not to lose

Can't say I will
Let you do all the work
Who says you even want me
Anyway?
But I deserve
A tiny rest, I think
Before my heart gets stomped on
Once again

And I just wanna be chased for once
Is that to much to ask

So press yourself into my corners
And show me everything you have
Every day, I'm getting older
I'm so tired of trying not to lose

And I just want
To be your only one
To say he-ey
Maybe this is fun?
Cause I'm sick of writing love songs
That no one ever hears
And I'm tired of losing everything I have

But, press yourself into my corners
You better show me everything you have
Cause I can't stop me getting older
And I'm so tired of trying not lose
So tired.

Affairs of The Broken Heart

So this is how life goes
We put everything we have into that one person
Or towards getting that one person
Because we think they're everything we want
And then when we get our hearts destroyed
We pack up, move on, and start again
And we seem to be under the impression
That everyone else is having the time of their lives, all the time
Or, the life of their time, so to speak.
When really, we're all just like me
Painstakingly collecting the shards of my heart from off the ground
Where he stepped on them for the fourteenth goddamn time
And being filled with a continuous sense of déjà vu as we scrounge for glue
Enough to stick the pieces back together
To make them look decent enough that they might attract the next one's eye
And hope that he'll break the cycle
That we'll break the cycle
Maybe if we change ourselves
Pluck that hair, change it up, spend some money
Laugh fakely, makes new interests for ourselves, go to parties
Maybe THAT will break the cycle

But really, all we're looking for is someone to love us
Someone to make us believe there's a reason we're doing this
Someone to tell us there's more to it than learning a lesson
Someone to let us know we won.
Finally.

My god, I'm fucking tired.

Um, hey...

Get over her and get under me.
Kthanksbye.

Omitted and Blocked

If you asked about the worst thing that ever happened to me, I would tell you in a snap it was mid July.
If you asked where you could read about everything terrible and wonderful that's happened to me since last May, I would say my blog.
But where is it?
The moment I thought I might die.
The moment I had never been more alone.
It's hushed.
Omitted.
Blocked.
And unwritten.

I sort of wish someone would ask.
I want to spill everything.
Absolutely everything.
In complete detail.

The words they said, the terror, the running, the crying, the walking, the pain, the screaming. The exhaustion. The fear.
The feeling of being completely
Absolutely
And utterly
Alone.

Miles and miles from everyone I needed.
And feeling that they themselves didn't love me anymore.

I know I'll never forget.

New

New friends, new age, new words
No more secrets.
Chapter done.

Now, what to write next...