Swing Swing

Yeah, yeah, I get it.
Yeah, I know I have to deal with it.
It's just frustrating when you suddenly back out of things.
Or take them out on me.


Time to be the strong one, here.

Lifetime

new
small, no memories
fresh and soft with light filled life
there in someone's arms

three
still quite new to life
grappling for position now
discovering worlds

five
has learnt to say no
it's fun; ten steps ahead now
and look, there are boys

eight
shy and calm, smiley
friends make confidence abound
time with head in books

ten
yeah, awkward as hell
cute in some ways; it's nice to
be sorta in love

twelve
so, all legs and arms
she wonders where the world's gone
struggles with love; lost

fifteen
a learned grace inside
friends become family; art's love
nice to be growing

future
its uncertain but
it's looking to be one hell
of an awesome ride

Desires

hands on me here, there
everywhere; solid and soft
warm, smooth, breath, touch, sigh

heart on you here, there
everywhere; warm and throbbing
love, life, hold, yours, mine

Defective

Pretty
Funny
Smart
Talented
Sexy
Sweet
Trustworthy
Fun
Or so I've been told.

So either everyone's lying, or there's just something huge I'm missing here.

Desperation

Don't treat me like we're playing a game, cause maybe I don't want to lose maybe I don't want to risk it all for you.

I think it's bad that I'm so desperate I'm willing to take anyone who will take me. Even if it sacrifices them in the long run.

Blank Spot

What's missing? Where does it go? Was it ever there? Did it leave? Did it ever exist to begin with? How do I get it back? How do I find out what it is? Why do I need it? Why is it gone in the first place? What is this ache I feel? Why can't I enjoy what I have?
What's missing? Is it a where? A how? A why? A when? A what? A who?
Who's missing? Why are they missing? What do I need them for anyway? What's my problem? Why can't I be grateful? How am I supposed to move on with this empty spot taking over me?

Why does it hurt so bad to be missing something?

Arrogance And Confidence

it is a wonder
to be young and beautiful
and know it full well

it is a wonder
to be pretty and stared at
and know it full well

it is a wonder
to be wanted by others
and know it full well

but it is divine
to have gifts that are lovely
and know if full well

Monday

excitement is like
bodies of liquid candy
aches to taste each other

trip on the train tracks
four of us thrilled to be one
laughs much expected

Fights

put on a brave face
and got really used to it
he doesn't care much

did everything right
and good; should have ended well
but he always hurts

not fair cause I did
so very well with all of it
I should hurt, not him

Singular

needing him ten times
more than before (that was lots)
without them i'm lost

Maybe it does hurt...

wasn't a lie cause
i wasn't sad til after
when we said goodbye

Haikus For A While

stepping out of me
redhead he's too beautiful
other one's awkward

waking up tired
de-stimulating the brain
nicely disgusting

i like loneliness
music fills the silences
no volume limit

Boys

The more time I spend with boys, the more I realize just how frustrating they are.
Even when they're your best friends.

Old Friends

I'm struggling with these feelings because I feel like they aren't fair and they aren't what I want. But I don't understand how they can be content with their lives, spending them doing those things with those kinds of people?
That's like...having an apple and a chocolate cake in front of you, and choosing the apple. It's good, I guess, but dull and simple and un-fullfilled!
I don't understand it. I really don't.

Psycho

How do you make someone understand you...
...if they can't even seem to understand themself half the time?

Them First

I love him.
And I love him too.
And I want nothing more than for them to be so happy.

So if something that makes them happy
Destroys me...

Should I smile and pretend I'm OK?

Shackles

seeing you and needing you and wanting you and not knowing anything else but you
mouths and hands and legs and arms and bodies and heat and wet and tongues and god i want that
but no
no
no
no

held back by my shackles
wanting you so bad
never quite close enough
what is close enough?
why am I not allowed there?

those shackles are cutting into my skin
and i'm bleeding everywhere...

Reflections Of A Musical Sort

Stress

Stress is like a little demon lurking somewhere nearby.
As long as you're busy and working and finishing and doing,
You can't see it.
But as soon as you stop for one idle moment...
Out he jumps to tackle you and stop your breathing.

busyworkingfinishingdoingbusyworkingfinishingdoingbusyworkingfinishingdoing...

Funeral Reflections

Wear the cross, she says.
It's just a piece of metal. It means nothing.
I feel like a liar. Like a fake.
Fake like my grim smile.

She tells me the words to say.
I feel like her puppet again, but this time I need to be.
I don't know what to do, what to say.
She feeds me the words.
"I'm very sorry for your loss."

Swallowing tears because you never even met him.
But it hurts to see their faces.
It hurts to see how it hurts them.

They're all strangers. All the names.
All the people.
All their words to say about a man who only existed in words to me.
But I'm the real stranger here.
Paying my respects to a stranger who seemed like he would've been a neat guy.

It's funny how when death devastates, we run to pretty things like
Flowers, and songs.
Cover up comfort things.
To cover up how scared we really are.

I think that a funeral isn't so much an occasion to mourn a death
Or an occasion to celebrate a life
As a moment of closure.
A moment to say, "He's gone, and this is over."
A moment to make everything real to ourselves, and to everyone around us.
A moment to surround ourselves with real, living people who love.

Moments like these make me wish for faith.
For total belief that this isn't all we have.
And sometimes,
When they say things like, "What are you going to sing at your grandfather's funeral?"
Or, "You can have the piano when he dies."
Or, "Dad only has a month left. Might as well let him have a glass of wine if he wants it."
I feel a surge of faith and guilt come back to me.
And I whisper a secret, reluctant prayer.
Just in case God's really there.
And really cares.
And will protect me from what's coming.

And just in case you're reading this, God, I'm sorry for doubting you. But this is me, and I don't know how to do it any other way.

Clinging to my eyes

What if
I lose the way the winter lights shine off the buildings?
The soft blue of the sky?
The breeze in the naked trees?

What if
I lose the feelings that come only with
reading a really good book?
Seeing a really good movie?
Taking a really good picture?

What if
I lose
The blue in his eyes?
The shine in her hair?
The cockiness in his smile?
The freckles on her nose?
The darkness of her eyelashes?

Who ever knew I would treasure those two blue-green orbs as much as I do
Now that I know I might lose them.

Relief

can't take it anymore because we need him so bad in so many ways.
so we run and throw ourselves at him.
and too our immense relief
he lets us back in
nothing has changed
he already knew
we should give him more credit

"I still love you."

we should've known he'd love us the way we are.

Mindrape

No.
Take your hands away.
Please, no.
I know you gave me all of you, but I have so much more to protect.
Don't.
You're bigger than me. Stronger. I'm so small. Please don't overpower me.
No.
I'm shaking. I'm going to cry.
Please.
Each flick of your finger another secret revealed.
Don't please.
What's coming next? What are you thinking?
No, please.
I think I'm going to die.

STOP I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
I'M NOT READY TO HAVE YOU IN THERE.

Girl

So much to say, but no way to say it.

How do you tell someone they've been on your mind constantly for seven months?

Torrential

Would I give up all the goodness I have know, to get rid of all the sadness?
Maybe.
No.

Because, as much as this sucks...this is what life is now. And I can't change it. I just have to deal with the rain when it comes.

But my house is leaking, and I'm getting really wet...

Help me. Please.
I'm scared to drown.

Skeletons Inside

Trying to reach down deep inside and pull out what I'm feeling, because it needs to get out but I don't really want to see what it is.
Because if I'm perfectly honest it's last year's rotting corpses.

Family

sometimes we're born into the wrong places and we just have to wait until we have enough money and independence to move out of them