don't judge the broken soldier

have you ever had too much broken in you to throw out?
to overcome?
have you been to the gates of hell and back?

have you ever cried out everything you were made of?
for little reason?
have you ever thought you were going to die in despair?

have you ever felt the dark glory at the surface's first scratch?
of the thin, swollen reds?
have you ever tried to break the skin?

have you ever thought of reactions if they knew?
of how they would feel?
have you ever secretly wanted it to scar?

have you ever dried your tears and pulled over the woolen blindfold?
felt the burn of wool and raw skin?
have you ever gone and pretended you were fine?

have you ever checked for scars the next morning?
for scabs, for reminders?
have you ever pressed down to remind yourself how it felt?

have you ever felt the guilt?
the pain of your own judgments?
have you ever regretted, felt like a failure?

have you ever been afraid of a simple thing?
a household item?
have you ever been afraid you couldn't control yourself anymore?

have you ever been thrown against a wall?
or been told you would never be good enough?
have you ever thought you should just run and never look back?

well i have
and i do
and i will
and there is nothing more to do

so don't judge me
until you've met that darkest hour
until you've been me
the world already hurts me
so what's the difference if i hurt myself?

it feels good, at least for a tiny moment