so lost

sometimes when you're lost for a long time
and can't find anywhere to head towards
you accidentally turn backwards and run to what used to be the right place
but that place has changed within the last year
it's better now, but its not right

i think i just need to stay put and look for some sign of a way out.

emotion sickness

i died last night
it had been coming for a while, you know
the odd burst of tears and
too much time alone and
twisting insides and
no hunger and
painful fatigue
that's what i was
and last night i had to really cry
and i clutched the hem of my shirt and said your name
because even though the outside me was fine
underneath it all, i was breaking

today, i live again
because you took your loving hammer
and patched up all my insides

thanks.

puppets

why is it that
that i can't make my own decisions?
ever?
everyone has a say, whether they know it, or not
whether they like it, or not
i'm the collective puppet
that no one really knows about
strings pull me this way, that way
sometimes they pull in opposite directions
sometimes they break
sometimes i can't find them
and that's the scariest part

i'm no good at doing what's right for me

the writer

feelings too big for my body and
not enough people to share them with and
pressure pulling me in and pushing me together all at once and

indisputable sorrow.

no more words

green
orange
always drawing parallels, you know?
it was this temperature
inappropriate footwear
and i was even wearing the same sweater
although it was new then
and had seen less

i've walked these tracks a million times
with an infinite number of words in my head
your words, my words
will i ever have a reason to walk this way when you're gone?

it's funny how when i've been down for so long
i'm pulled irresistibly to that night
that happiness
i've gone to that bench twice
but i've lived that night a billion times

its cute, but its dumb
i only feel hollow, running full speed
feeling like an idiot, remembering you were wearing red
like that sweater someone dropped off to remind me
and when i sit this time
i don't want to be you
i just want to be me

and i can't believe someone could have swallowed me this fully
but you have, and you did, and i don't know if i could get away from it
there are no analogies to describe how i've changed since i met you
but the memories are all their
overturned, purple underbellies
because i don't want to lose this
ever

and as i realize for the hundredth time how crazy i am
i have to run away from the spot
as the shadows approach
literally
its the kind of place you can't stay for too long without approaching what's beyond this life
and that's certainly not a place i'm ready for yet
whether its good, or bad

and i walk in time down the last stretch
have cried here twice now
i've stopped counting how many times you've walked this way with me
in my head, my heart
and by my side

i have to slow down to make the music last
but as it gets to the end
i realize i am too far away to make it
and again i run

its the end of an eternal era
it really is
i am more over you than i will ever be
but my love for you is still too big to hold

i want to keep everything this way

getting to the point of melodramatic...

reaffirm your love for me
because if i'm completely honest, i'm nothing without it

please don't hate me because i want you to care as much as i do.

hello anger

hello old friend
must i smother your fires once again?
so easily mistaken for passion
that's not it this time.

i want to be so, so angry at you.

kiss

you would give me the only thing i ever really wanted for the longest time
right before i became more upset with you
than i ever have been before

the thing is
the more i leave you behind, the more real i become
the less i need you, the more i am alive

and the less i need you, the more, it seems, you need me

i've finally been unblinded
granted the ability to fight you
to accuse you
to hate you

but for as long as i live
and love
i will never, ever want to.

stop correcting your feelings

maybe all the reasons i face these angry and upset nights
aren't my fault
maybe they're yours.

maybe i've been right about your idiotic priorities all along.
but this time, i'm not going to come crying back to you.

it's your turn, you stupid little fuck.

afterthought

i don't know how to be anything without someone else.

what's wrong?

my life hurts.

i can't be anything without someone else.

some things never change

yeah so i guess my secret fear of losing you to someone else
never really went away
it runs in hand with my secret insecurity about everyone's love
for me.
and the two of those are close friends with my very secret hate for myself

because keeping that apart from me is the only way i know how to keep sane

smile

smile because things that are dumb can make some people really happy
smile because you made someone happy
smile because things are pretty much always good here
even when it doesn't seem like it

smile because there's so much more to come

don't judge the broken soldier

have you ever had too much broken in you to throw out?
to overcome?
have you been to the gates of hell and back?

have you ever cried out everything you were made of?
for little reason?
have you ever thought you were going to die in despair?

have you ever felt the dark glory at the surface's first scratch?
of the thin, swollen reds?
have you ever tried to break the skin?

have you ever thought of reactions if they knew?
of how they would feel?
have you ever secretly wanted it to scar?

have you ever dried your tears and pulled over the woolen blindfold?
felt the burn of wool and raw skin?
have you ever gone and pretended you were fine?

have you ever checked for scars the next morning?
for scabs, for reminders?
have you ever pressed down to remind yourself how it felt?

have you ever felt the guilt?
the pain of your own judgments?
have you ever regretted, felt like a failure?

have you ever been afraid of a simple thing?
a household item?
have you ever been afraid you couldn't control yourself anymore?

have you ever been thrown against a wall?
or been told you would never be good enough?
have you ever thought you should just run and never look back?

well i have
and i do
and i will
and there is nothing more to do

so don't judge me
until you've met that darkest hour
until you've been me
the world already hurts me
so what's the difference if i hurt myself?

it feels good, at least for a tiny moment

decision

don't ask me to say yes
right when i was going to say no

it's better if you don't ask at all anymore

crash

this building, she is my life's work
i've stacked her up, brick by single brick
i've painted her inside and cleaned her outside and let people live in there
sometimes it was hard
sometimes it was easy
sometimes i was happy
sometimes i wasn't
there's still more i'm fixing, still more i'm building, still more i want to add

but you
are homeless.
and this year, you came to live inside my building
mostly, it's OK
mostly, it's pretty good
sometimes i cry about it.

when you feel awful
when you feel lower than any basement
because of where you are in the world
then that's when you search my building for its weak points
you look for those places in the foundation
to poke, and drill, and smash
and the building withers
it curls in on itself
flows, and it sways
like fragile fluid

it makes you feel better
but it makes me feel worse
it makes me hate you
it makes me hate them
it makes me hate me

so you go sit on your throne and leave me to fix the foundation
back-breaking labour
as if it was my fault
in your mind, it is

and for a while there is a good time
and for a while i can be OK

but i know the building will start to fall again
and i'm wondering how many times i can keep fixing it
before it crashes

i will help fix you
if you will help fix you
i will help fix you
if you will stop breaking me down.

i don't want to leave.

i hate this

you are the outlet of my slow transformation into her
i want to fix you
i want to love you
i want to heal the twisted, diseased thing that this is

but you block me out
i'm not a person to you
i care more than any person can
i never want anyone to hurt you
do you see that?
if you do, you take it for granted

why are you so scared?
why are you so scared of the world?
why are you so scared of me...?

don't direct your self-hate at your only life line
you must expect me to be a real fucking strong person
to hold on while you beat me to fix yourself

what am i doing to myself?
what have i done?
all my life i've wanted to get out of this depressed situation
and i've just succeeded in throwing myself back into it

the thing is, people are people
you can't just throw them out
you can't give up on them

even to save yourself

Low

when everything has fallen
there isn't anywhere else to go
or anything else to do
but float alone at the bottom

please

I've never wanted anyone so bad.
Just to have something.
To break a cycle.

And not because they are who they are.