so lost

sometimes when you're lost for a long time
and can't find anywhere to head towards
you accidentally turn backwards and run to what used to be the right place
but that place has changed within the last year
it's better now, but its not right

i think i just need to stay put and look for some sign of a way out.

emotion sickness

i died last night
it had been coming for a while, you know
the odd burst of tears and
too much time alone and
twisting insides and
no hunger and
painful fatigue
that's what i was
and last night i had to really cry
and i clutched the hem of my shirt and said your name
because even though the outside me was fine
underneath it all, i was breaking

today, i live again
because you took your loving hammer
and patched up all my insides

thanks.

puppets

why is it that
that i can't make my own decisions?
ever?
everyone has a say, whether they know it, or not
whether they like it, or not
i'm the collective puppet
that no one really knows about
strings pull me this way, that way
sometimes they pull in opposite directions
sometimes they break
sometimes i can't find them
and that's the scariest part

i'm no good at doing what's right for me

the writer

feelings too big for my body and
not enough people to share them with and
pressure pulling me in and pushing me together all at once and

indisputable sorrow.

no more words

green
orange
always drawing parallels, you know?
it was this temperature
inappropriate footwear
and i was even wearing the same sweater
although it was new then
and had seen less

i've walked these tracks a million times
with an infinite number of words in my head
your words, my words
will i ever have a reason to walk this way when you're gone?

it's funny how when i've been down for so long
i'm pulled irresistibly to that night
that happiness
i've gone to that bench twice
but i've lived that night a billion times

its cute, but its dumb
i only feel hollow, running full speed
feeling like an idiot, remembering you were wearing red
like that sweater someone dropped off to remind me
and when i sit this time
i don't want to be you
i just want to be me

and i can't believe someone could have swallowed me this fully
but you have, and you did, and i don't know if i could get away from it
there are no analogies to describe how i've changed since i met you
but the memories are all their
overturned, purple underbellies
because i don't want to lose this
ever

and as i realize for the hundredth time how crazy i am
i have to run away from the spot
as the shadows approach
literally
its the kind of place you can't stay for too long without approaching what's beyond this life
and that's certainly not a place i'm ready for yet
whether its good, or bad

and i walk in time down the last stretch
have cried here twice now
i've stopped counting how many times you've walked this way with me
in my head, my heart
and by my side

i have to slow down to make the music last
but as it gets to the end
i realize i am too far away to make it
and again i run

its the end of an eternal era
it really is
i am more over you than i will ever be
but my love for you is still too big to hold

i want to keep everything this way

getting to the point of melodramatic...

reaffirm your love for me
because if i'm completely honest, i'm nothing without it

please don't hate me because i want you to care as much as i do.

hello anger

hello old friend
must i smother your fires once again?
so easily mistaken for passion
that's not it this time.

i want to be so, so angry at you.