Hard

i need someone to hand me a book
with me preserved in print
'here's everything you'll ever need to know' they'll say
and it will be easy

i'll read up on me
late into the night
'your hair will be brown, you'll be bad at sports'
and it will be easy

and things will get more complicated
'you'll be introverted, but you'll be a performer at heart'
it'll still be concrete
and it will still be easy

and there will be a whole section on love
'from him you'll learn this, from her you'll learn that.'
'this will end here, this will end there'
'and it will be easy'

but i don't have that book
and for certain reasons
that's very good
but not so easy

some mornings i look at that girl in the mirror
and i know her and where she fits
and other days
like today
she's a stranger
and that's really hard

i couldn't tell you right now if she's gay or straight or somewhere in between
or nothing at all
because no one knows that
no one can help anyone else figure that out
it's only for me
and that's really hard too

today, the girl's broken pieces are SO obvious
the girl i have lost the ability to love
love like that little girl did
love like i have for the past six years
there's no emotional love left today
which is the hardest to face

there is nothing easy about discovery.
and i must stop hoping there will be.