crumbles

the bed is stripped down, the wind saunters in
and it's a new end.
and an old beginning.
and i fall
because i did fall
again


i'm not too late for the show
i went to buy my ticket
but it was too late
sold out.
the seats were filled with adorers
and he took front row centre, you know.


people walk in and out of each other live
or sometimes run
or, you know, even tip-toe
bringing gifts and lessons
unexpectedly
what did we take away from each other?
maybe you fixed me
maybe i'm working properly now
or maybe i'm just looking for another way out
again...


of all the people who walk in and out of your life
do you know how many will love you?
for your wit, your talent, your sense of humour
and your beauty?


i didn't get a seat in the theatre.
and there was a reason for it.
that's what i believe.
that's what i will hold on to
in dark days to come.
there's a reason you chose him
and boy, is he lucky.


you remind me so much of another
bronzed, funny, loving actress
one who i loved
last year.
and she left too.

and i don't miss her anymore.

show week

you know why your 'no' sends me into shocks of panic?
because it takes me back a year ago
and sends me into sadness i never wanted to face with you again

even if it's not the same
it still feels like it

fantasy

fear is in her wild dark eyes
but excitement too
my hands folded on her jeans

'shhh' i say with a shiver
skin like cream and ice
tastes of pure impurities

loosen now and free of folds
virgin surprise meets
anxious tongue and frightened girl

intense, quick at first i move
shudders and first fright
'oh' she says, liquid music

reach up and hook arms round her
her legs, the buttons
and my arms the buttonholes

pressing my face into fabric
slowing to a tease
and then speeding to a height

comes gently over the mountain
but loudly; she moans
i smile inside her with pride

and now her breathing will slow
my hands will release
insides warm with her pleasure

kiss her other lips slowly
cheekily; she's dead
and i have killed her first

smile, murderer.

such
a
lost
soul.

my foot fucking kills

okay so maybe this is how it is
maybe i'm mostly sexually attracted to girls
and mostly emotionally attracted to guys...

this puts me in a weird position.

warped

maybe my safety net built on words like
'just a stage' and 'lust' and 'attention' and 'prince on a white horse' and 'kids, family, perfect marriage' and 'artistic'
has fallen through.

maybe i've always been like this
but never wanted to be

maybe i'm just a little girl
still just afraid of defying everyone's expectations.

eyes

if i ever want to hurt myself
feel something
i just listen to that song.

Hard

i need someone to hand me a book
with me preserved in print
'here's everything you'll ever need to know' they'll say
and it will be easy

i'll read up on me
late into the night
'your hair will be brown, you'll be bad at sports'
and it will be easy

and things will get more complicated
'you'll be introverted, but you'll be a performer at heart'
it'll still be concrete
and it will still be easy

and there will be a whole section on love
'from him you'll learn this, from her you'll learn that.'
'this will end here, this will end there'
'and it will be easy'

but i don't have that book
and for certain reasons
that's very good
but not so easy

some mornings i look at that girl in the mirror
and i know her and where she fits
and other days
like today
she's a stranger
and that's really hard

i couldn't tell you right now if she's gay or straight or somewhere in between
or nothing at all
because no one knows that
no one can help anyone else figure that out
it's only for me
and that's really hard too

today, the girl's broken pieces are SO obvious
the girl i have lost the ability to love
love like that little girl did
love like i have for the past six years
there's no emotional love left today
which is the hardest to face

there is nothing easy about discovery.
and i must stop hoping there will be.

mmmm...

i wish someone would [want/itch/desire/NEED] to touch me that badly
if i'm the only person that ever feels that way about anyone

then i'm the most pathetic thing ever.