wet and dry

you said it was about time to throw in the towel
(with your eyes)
but i wanted to tell you that i was still wet
that i still needed that fucking towel

and before i could turn around you were back in your life
straight
squeezed back into the mess of school, friends, love
straight
dissolver of fantasies
but not straight

oh do you know i wish
to be back inside that afternoon
with my head against your chest
with my hands against your breasts
with my fingers against your jeans
with my lips against your lips?

fairness is getting all the way there
all the poking around we did was not fair

don't leave me out to air dry.

chronicles

she has a talent for self-chiropracting
and painting flowery words
she can't snap or play sports
or go anywhere without a strand of self-doubt
she loves big and falls hard
or at least
she used to
and still wishes she did
now she lets go simply with a twist of her mind

she writes songs that no one hears
or understands
some days she feels beautiful
other days she fears no one will ever pursue her

she loves her friends like family
and some days fantasizes about running away from everything
her bond with her parents is twisted
and she fears for the long-term problems they have already created

she hates her cellphone and usually
forgets to shave her legs
she has an exaggerated appetite for girls
and more of an appetite for boys than she cares to admit
she loves cities and theatre and people
and life
there are million things she wants to be
and a million more she isn't sure about

she loves her siblings
and her dog
she's almost sixteen and a half but somedays
she is five again
and some days she is thirty

someday she hopes that someone will take the time to learn
and re-write
everything about her

five year escalation

today i wish for the familiarity that i have been so close to owning before

the place just over the hurdle of insecurity
the place of lying in silence
the place of being able to press my lips to yours on a complete
fearless whim
the place of having you surprise me with displays of
your love
the place of possession, of being possessed
of commitment, of being committed
security, tranquility, burning desire

don't snatch it away once more...

i was in love with you. and them.

i miss the kids we used to be
the she and he
all broken, awkward hearts and messy confidence
sharing what we thought then was life
what we thought was important

now i have aged a thousand years
and sealed myself from the outside
i will search these shallow waters for mild amusement
but never again can i be caught that deep
for people learn how to evade hurt
this i know, for i have become a master of escape
but i have lost the thrill of being trapped

i don't pick and choose anymore
and when i lose, i move on

and the summer goes quick as it does
and it is gone long before we are able to properly bookmark it in our memories
or kiss it goodbye like a worn-in friend

along comes change to spoil the now
with fear and love and regret it brings
the future like a tidal wave
because every second following this
word
is my future

you can't measure change from where you are, you know
but you can watch the world re-mold around you
watch it turn and spin and morph
into your life

and that is sad
and that is beautiful
and that is lovely
and that is hateful
and that is passionate
and creative
and fearless
and messy
and vivid

and that is the way things are.

hello future
i am ready now.