dark, secret thoughts

this morning i woke up with these words in my head:
YOU CAN BACK OUT NOW. YOU CAN BACK OUT WHENEVER YOU WANT TO. YOU CAN BACK OUT WHENEVER IT GETS TOO HARD.
and that scared me.

and today i saw girls.
girls with converse and long pretty hair
girls with smiles and freckles and soft skin
and i knew i could find another girl.
another girl who didn't know who she was
and who needed me to tell her
another girl who needed me to define her

but these lips will betray me
because they're still yours
and these breasts will betray me
because they're still yours
and this heart will betray me

because it wants to stay yours.

i'm sorry, but forever is a lie

I KNOW THAT THIS ISN'T GOING TO LAST FOREVER.

whew
what a relief to finally let that out.
now i can enjoy it for as long as it sticks around.

guilty.

you know the only reason i still talk to her
is so i can take advantage of her
when my world with you comes crashing down
and i still need to pretend i have something.

you

i want only this
i want only this

what's too fast in this life
the tears you see tonight are just confusion
are just fear
are just all this hitting me at once
combined with everything i DO feel for you
no matter what anyone else might say

i want to matter more

reading that causes me a lot more pain then i'd ever confess to you
and now i'm questioning myself all over again

more fear

why are you afraid?
is it because of her?
is it because of them?
is it because you've never done this before?
take comfort in the fact that millions of girls all over the world have done this before.

why are you afraid?
is it because of him leaving?
is it because of what it's done to you?
is it because you're scared i'll do the same?
take comfort in the fact that i will always be a phone call away.

why are you afraid?
is it because it's moving too fast?
is it because you're confused?
is it because your feelings are too big for you?
take comfort in the fact that my feelings are too big for me, too.

please don't be afraid.
it scares me.

a fear

so absolutely and utterly
terrified
of being loved
of being loved by you

i'm nothing important
except in your eyes
but if it was the end of the world
i'd still catch you as we fell
inexplicably towards the end of the universe

if you put your expectations high upon a mountain
i'll run
i'll jump
i'll climb
and try my best to take flight
for now
at least.

who knows if i'll ever make it that far.