dark, secret thoughts

this morning i woke up with these words in my head:
YOU CAN BACK OUT NOW. YOU CAN BACK OUT WHENEVER YOU WANT TO. YOU CAN BACK OUT WHENEVER IT GETS TOO HARD.
and that scared me.

and today i saw girls.
girls with converse and long pretty hair
girls with smiles and freckles and soft skin
and i knew i could find another girl.
another girl who didn't know who she was
and who needed me to tell her
another girl who needed me to define her

but these lips will betray me
because they're still yours
and these breasts will betray me
because they're still yours
and this heart will betray me

because it wants to stay yours.

i'm sorry, but forever is a lie

I KNOW THAT THIS ISN'T GOING TO LAST FOREVER.

whew
what a relief to finally let that out.
now i can enjoy it for as long as it sticks around.

guilty.

you know the only reason i still talk to her
is so i can take advantage of her
when my world with you comes crashing down
and i still need to pretend i have something.